Some Things Gotta Go
I think Elvis should have made the line "Caught in a trap, and I can't walk out..." should have been more like "I'm stuck in a rut, and I can't climb out..."
Over the years of blogging I have had other readers come and go, some long timers dropped me like a hot exhaust pipe bolt before getting blisters; is it any wonder? Looking back on things I have tried to do, starting my motorcycle magazine for one, it's just not going to happen. All the time and effort I had put into it lead to problem after problem. There were advertisers that contacted me back, writers who were willing to come on board, printers I had spoken with etc, etc but I just don't have and don't know how to get the backing I needed to obtain print off. It is another industry that the more you get to digging in you find hidden things that never occurred. Potential advertisers wanted to know what my circulation was. How can a new start up have a circulation record of any type? Then there was the magazine owner/editor with whom talked to me at great length, which I appreciated, but told me an online magazine was the way to go these days. There was also a couple of magazines who asked me to submit articles sounding all excited to have something different but then never put in print.
Henry Thoreau and others of his time went through the same ordeal in a way about getting articles in print. What happened to them, sorta the same as I, were rejections coming back because it didn't fit the magazines profile. They, Thoreau, Alcott I think Channing plus a couple of others was to produce their own Magazine called "The Dial" which had their own ideals and format to suit them. Many of Thoreaus' writings were never in print until after his death and that bites.
Not only is it the magazine I am struggling with letting go but other items to. I know that being a Bass player in some fine band is long, long gone. That was something that I hung up for the biggest part years ago. Picking up that four stringed piece of thundering, window rattling hunk of wood and electronics and knowing my way around it's fretboard is mostly forgotten now. Though I have picked it up every now and then I have pretty much forgotten how to play it. Was a time that I played it all day long every day by ear and feel. Now, the ear is gone and so is the feel for it. The darned thing sat in a closet for the better part of probably, jeez, eighteen or twenty years and I've had it for almost thirty three years. But off and on the feeling would return so it'd come out from the dust only for me to find the notes were being lost as it was a struggle to play it. There was a time when I held it and didn't have to think about playing it I just played it.
Not trying to be a downer here but that is what I am doing isn't it? Feeling sorry for myself. Three deaths in the family this year along with two friends having strokes and another still with a brain tumor within two years is wearing on me. All three of these friends worked hard towards their dreams, saving and waiting, pursuing and waiting as if all of the tomorrows will keep coming. Then they each wake up one morning to find everything is changed and those chances are gone. Now they can't do anything because mounting medical bills eat them up
I have to stop this thinking of big pursuits and narrow it all down to just two or three bucket list goals. You have to have patience but at some point you just have to stop being patient and get on with it, anything, something before it is to late in the game. Sometimes needed changes are hard, just so hard to accomplish. The repercussions on any decision can be monumental but do you take the chance and all the heartache that comes with it, or do you just stay in the rut. I am so in the rut that I am loosing the desire for so many passions I once had. This is not how I envisioned my life turning out this far in the game. Nobodies life goes as planned to the letter but you get stuck going down a path farther and farther until the turnaround's get fewer and fewer. " I gotta get out of this place, if it's the last thing I ever do..." This rut is the place I have to get out of so my goals and dreams are being reduced by me and some have to be let go of. Next week I may change my mind but it has been a long time coming and frankly, it scares the hell out of me.
Two things everyone needs to get rid of are rear view mirrors and yellow light goals. With rear view mirrors you only see where you've been and not where you are going, and yellow lights hold you back, slow you down and make you nervous to proceed.