Sunday, October 09, 2005

Wooley on Deists

Someone, just not long ago, told me that they don't think I believe in God. I guess it's because I don't believe certain things the way they think that I should. Personally, I believe that Gods church is the whole world and you do not have to be in a brick building to prove you believe in God. He is everywhere and not just in a Church on Sunday mornings. He can hear you no matter where you are.

I must say that I have been confused myself as to what I am. Some things in the Bible just didn't seem to geehaw for me. Some have ridiculed me over time for either reading the Bible and others for not reading and studying it.

In my younger days, I was a bit of a bad apple at times. There are things that I have done that I am ashamed to admit that I did. Some would avoid my presence at all costs at one point in my life as I was not a very likeable person. Others I made miserable just because I could and it felt good at the time to find I had the power to do it.
Wasn't always that way for me, and I certainly was not raised that way for the most part.

But, certain things in my life did cause me to have to harden up for my own survival and to strike back. There was one person who would physically pound the crap out of me in my teens just because I was there. Until the one day that I'd had enough and struck back; tired of the physical and mental abuse thrust upon me when times had been hard enough as it was. I got angry at God for allowing these things to happen one after another and became angry at the whole world as a result. Even to the point of believing that I was an Atheist.

A distrust and paranoid feeling of others always gave me some cause for alarm. I would convey in someone only to have it come back on me two fold for the worst. So, I pushed people away and didn't want to let anyone get close to me. This was set in concrete even more when anyone or anything that I loved seemed to leave my life and others, rather than talk to me about it, would get angry at me. Only my dog believed in me and stuck by my side no matter what. He even saved my ass on more than one occasion.

I started carrying a .38 Snub with me and before that, a long lock blade knife ( Like a switch blade ). One kid started some crap with me as he had done before and I pulled the knife on him ready to stick him if he came at me again. Luckily, two of my brothers intervened on that one. My temper grew over time and I would go into a blind rage at times. I believed that people had said to hell with me so I said to hell with them. The anger would get the most of me sometimes and I would break 2X4's and holler at the top of my lungs to get it out of my system. Pounding a wall with my fists until they bled was another way to get my anger out for awhile. After words, I began to try and suppress the feelings but it would build up and explode out.

However, other people and things would happen that gave me cause to be confused. How could one part of my world be so grand and another be so painful? God was not there for me I felt and had cast me aside. The only way to survive to a point, was to be the aggressor. Find the opponents weak spot and take them down. It got to a point where I began to worry that I might kill someone in a fit of blind rage. So, I retreated into myself and dreamed of better days.
Motorcycles became one thing that gave me solace as well as brought me and the pounder together in a positive way strangely enough. We bonded over time and became truly allies in many ways.

At one point in my youth, I was sent to Michigan to stay with an Uncle of mine. He rode motorcycles too and we were able to connect because of it in a large degree. He worked at a local well known college, and I went with him a few times during my visit during the summer. Students were their for summer courses I decided to wait outside. Finding my way to some shade trees and sitting down to smoke some cigarettes waiting for my Uncle's return.

There were these squirrels milling about on the ground and in the trees. As I was watching them, two fellows came from out of nowhere and asked if I had been saved by accepting God into my life. I told them no and they asked if I would like to be saved. Feeling a bit strange but not alarmed I agreed. I must have truly looked like a lost soul sitting there when they approached me.
They sat with me and said a prayer with me and I let God into my life.
Then, they were off and gone but I sat there feeling so calm and almost cried

I still didn't believe in God the way others did to some degree. However, I did believe in my own way to tell you the truth. And I had not felt that in a long time. Things for me began to change for me right then. Not all of a sudden like but it was happening. Oh! I still would get angry at things only not as angry and I stopped doing other things that were dreadfully wrong as well over time.

Many, many years later, through a friend, I found that I am more of a Deist in my beliefs. Didn't even know what one was until just a couple of years ago. My anger over the years grew less and less and some people who didn't know me before have said they can't believe how I can seem so calm and not get angry at things that push other's buttons.
It has to be something really really bad to get me angry today. Most things just aren't worth the waste of energy to get that mad about. It just isn't.

It's so easy to be a bad ass but harder to not be. I prefer not to be anymore. Creating something good and giving a kind word gives me a longer and more satisfying feeling than the short term feeling of being a bad guy.

When I found out about Deist's, I discovered that many people who have done monumental things for mankind have been Deist's. They believe that God is the creator of the universe, but that he does not interfere with humanity. God does not favor one individual, group or Nation over another.
Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Voltaire, Mark Twain, James Madison, Samuel Adams and Ethan Allen to name just a few famous Deist's. I'm in good company. I've been given the ability to write from an early age but only these past years have I put it to use.

God was there for me during those bad times in my life but it was up to me to find my own way up. God does love you but you have to love yourself as well. It's up to each of us to find our own way.

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