I have been reading another one of my Louis L'Amour books my Pop gave to me; This one is "Bendigo Shaftner" and as with all Mr. L'Amours books there are words of wisdom intertwined in the stories. I believe these are his own thoughts and expressions woven into his stories. One quote tonight gave me to pause especially, it was this "A mind, like a home, is furnished by it's owner, so if one's life is cold and bare he can blame none but himself."

After reading that line I had to stop and think, not about what the meaning is because I get that but about the mind and how it works. Sometimes when you are in tuned to someone, though they are miles away, all a sudden from the blue they cross your mind. You ponder a few minutes then go on your way with what you were doing. Then perhaps that day you get a call about that person,or a letter , or they show up but somehow you knew subconsciously you were being thought of. With the book open I layed the book against my nose and breathed deeply the smell of it. Old books just have this smell you can't explain. I can close my eyes while doing this and it can take me back to a time from long ago. Tonight it brought back the memory of staying with my Grandmother in Alabama, she's been gone now two years. Upstairs in a small room off to the side of the stairs is were I slept when there on an old metal bed with a metal box spring that squeaked whenever you moved around. The mattress was old cotton filled, the pillow of down feathers. Beside the bed was a little table just big enough for a small lamp; ashtray; a cup of water and enough room for a book. I lay there many a night with rain softly plipping and plopping on the tin roof reading a book. These books all had the same smell to the pages as the L'Amour books I have. When it rained those grand daddy long legs would come out and some would get in through the open window. As I would be reading two or three would wind up on the little table. I recon the light attracted them. If my clear plastic dixie cup was empty I'd trap them underneath and watch them. Did you know those little spiders put off a a scent when in danger? When I'd lift the cup off just a little to tease them that smell would come out from under the cup. After a few times of that you left them be because the smell would get bad.

All bug stuff aside, the book tonight took me back there and it felt almost that if I thought hard enough I could transport myself back there to me Grandmothers house. To see her and hear her smiling voice one more time as she told me goodnight. She always smelled like Ivory soap at bedtime, it was wonderful.

But now it is my maternal mothers time that has evidently drawn close and I have not seen her in over nine years. I have my reasons so don't judge me, it's a long story for maybe another time. She has several major problems and needs surgery but it is felt her time is short even with the operations. Just this past weekend a thought of her came to my mind and I have not thought of her for awhile now before that. She has this little toy red Volkswagon I had when I was five and thought I had lost it. She had found it years ago in Grandmas basement and offered it to me but I told her to keep it. It was a piece of me from childhood and she seemed to want to hold onto it so I let her keep it. I thought of that just the past weekend before I got the message she was in bad shape. (There is a word for that thinking of someone and they call or you find out about them but I forget what it is.)

I am struggling with my feelings about she and I and don't know what to do at this time. One thing now is she suffers from dimenshea and L'Amours quote struck a cord about the mind being furnished by it's owner, sometimes the contents get repossesed. I get the feeling she was thinking about me when the memory of the little red toy car came to mind.