Friday, September 09, 2005

I am not alone. I was reading in the Greensboro paper today about author, Barbara Ehrenreich, who has written a book about poverty. The book titled "Nickel and Dimed," tells about how she explored first hand how millions of Americans live on minimum wage. She went as far as to work a host of these minimum wage jobs trying to support herself. She had to work two jobs, seven days a week to try and make it.

Now she is finding out about people with white -collar unemployment issues and writing a new book "Bait and Switch". The job industry is wrought with bait and switch tactics. Bait and switch tells about career coaches, personality tests, boot camps, job fairs ( I know all about that one) and net working she used along the way under an assumed identity.
She thought that it'd be easy to find a job with a good resume looking for a PR job. She was enlightened to the plight. She found out about people with bachelor's and master's degrees who sunk into poverty and couldn't make a comeback.

I'm going to get a copy of her first book (if I can afford it)

The thing about job fairs (Like the one I went to through the Temp service) is that they like to rush you into making a rash decision as there are hundreds of people who show up for these things. Everything goes at lightning speed that you can't even think straight. It equates to something like a run with the bulls. They play on your self confidence and desperation to find work and you get stripped of dignity. You are kept in the dark about the pay, insurance, and benefits. The whole thing is so demeaning that you feel like some kind of beggar. Health Insurance is such a big issue today. One thing you find out quick by working through a temp is that, after landing a minimal paying job that will go nowhere, your check is further reduced because you have to pay all the insurance yourself. Or go without it at all.
Even if you want to get on full time with a company that you are working at through the temps, your chances are slim. You have to take all kinds of tests that you have no way to prepare for because until you sit down, that's the first you know of what they are looking for. You have no time to prepare. It's all so secretive.

Trying to get information from the Temp service is like pulling teeth without novocaine. Today I was told that you have to work twelve, forty hour weeks before you can get any time towards a day off or holiday pay. Ok, that's reasonable. But, the catch is that even if you work a fifty or sixty hour week, only the forty regular hours counts towards your obligation. A couple of people that I talked with today had been working at Honda through another Temp service towards their twelve week and on to the six month term. Then a different Temp service ( The one I'm through ) took over. All of their previous work hours with the old service got canned and they had to start all over from the bottom losing their accumulated hours. To keep working at Honda, these people had to switch to the new Temp service or lose their jobs. They had no choice or warning what so ever. Just bam, this is what it is. Take it or walk.

Also, by working through the temp service, Honda will not offer you a chance to test for full time work until you have been there for six months.
My whole experience is beginning to be a terrible mistake on my part. I went from one bad situation at my old job to one that is worse. (Don't forget about my asking questions only to find they screwed up my hourly pay and they cut me by ten dollars a week. That doesn't sound like much but it adds up and takes me farther down the poverty line.)It's all driving me down the path to deep depression. The more information that I drag out of them keeps making the whole thing worse.
Almost broke down today at work and I even got nauseated , shaky and kept having a hard time breathing. It was panic setting in and how trapped that I feel. I went to my truck to sit down and eat lunch and had to fight breaking down and sobbing. My hands went to shaking so bad and I lost my appetite. I looked up at the sky through the windshield and said "Oh God, Please help me get through this day. Help me hang on."

I kept telling myself that the work day was half over and to hang on. It was very tough not to just turn my key and drive away. On my dash is a picture of my little boy and I wanted so bad just to drive over to his school and give him a huge hug. He is the only reason that I just didn't just drive away and disappear. Last night while putting him to bed, we discussed how we would play some games tonight and have some fun like we used to do. I was so looking forward to it in a bad way. But, I get home and find out that he is having to go to a birthday party. I was able to give him a huge hug though.

The one person who is supposed to be the one and only never has time for me except for bashing me somehow. And the lack of certain other things related to a married life over the years has completely zapped all of my drive and ambition not to mention any self-esteem that I once had. I don't need someone who is disgusted with my whole being and seems so disappointed at the shear site of me and my presence. I need a wife, a partner, friend and a lover. Not a dictator, boss and put down queen. I've already had one abusive mother in my life and don't need another one playing games with my mind.
I need a kind, comforting, supportive person to walk with me not in front of me and blocking my way. Someone who is supportive like I was in their time of frustration and despair. Someone who helped build up confidence as I did her instead of constantly breaking them down to nothing. A kind understanding word and someone who listens to what I have to say. Not telling me what they think I should say or want me to hear.

Her Constantly working all the time and being at everyone's beck and call leaves no time for us. This is nothing new. She has been doing this the whole time we have been married. Even when the money was good she had to keep busy so she wouldn't have to be with me. All those people are being selfish and I don't exist or matter. Unless I am helping with a project but then it's still just working. Not like a marriage should be. That's not the kind of thing that keeps a marriage alive and going.
I'm just a health insurance and paycheck provider. And I can't even do that anymore.

I need some time to just go somewhere were and get away from it all. Get my mind together and think, like a camping trip or something. Somewhere that no arguing or put downs or nit-picking is going on. Somewhere peaceful like the mountains. No phones or people making demands on my wife and her time that she should be spending with me. It never stops with people stealing her time so we have none together.
This freight train is bearing down on me in the tunnel and I have nowhere to run to.

I need to find a job that pays what I am worth. It kills me at how at interviews I am told I am over qualified. Before I was in my thirties; I was told I was under qualified. It's just their way of saying your useless and to old now to work for anything other than a low paying job. Just wait, one day it will be them and I hope I'm there to see them struggle with it.
today's world you have a ten year window of being in and then after that your out. Get it while you can in your thirties because after that.... your to old and useless.

You'll never be anything or get far working for someone else. They will make millions off you while your eking by with low pay.
We poor people built everything and make this country turn. But we are the one's who live in poverty.

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